if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
