woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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