a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize