Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
