yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
