My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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