rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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