No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
