I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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