So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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