You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
