my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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