yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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