There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
