Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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