please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize