Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
