Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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