Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
