Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
