I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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