Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
