you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
pop tarts are not kleenex
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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