Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
