Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
