I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
