Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
