somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
