Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
