hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
