Pants 0. Shit 1.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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