She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
