he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize