Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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