my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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