watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
