so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She's like a pop up book from hell.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
