I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
