Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
