so explain again why im purple
no
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
