I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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