Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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