Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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