and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
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