so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
