I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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