time to smoke my breakfast
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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