you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
