nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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