i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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