***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
