Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
