He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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