I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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