Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
