remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
