did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
