so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
