hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Let's get the cat blown out
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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