MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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