If that was your dad, he is hot
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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