Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
