You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
